John Marshall's Oskar Acceptance Speech

Copyright John Marshall 2008

First broadcast on Ex-Pat Radio, Radio Alfa, Krakow, 24^th February 2008

Friends, and I feel I may call you my friends, I sit here this morning in this wonderful, luxurious radio station, a grateful recipient of your unconditional love and votes. For, yes, you have, in your love, kindness and wisdom, voted me the best John Marshall on Polish radio Oskar. It is a great privilege and I thank you from my bottom … from the bottom of my heart.

This year, the competition was fiercer than ever and, dear, dear listeners across Krakow, Poland and the world, there is no way you can understand the maelstrom of feelings that I am experiencing right now. Pride, embarrassment, arrogance, modesty; I could go on. But, as always, there is so much I wish to say and so little time in which to say it. The clock on the studio wall patiently ticks away the seconds of my life, seconds which I would share with you, you beautiful people.

Some of you, I know, will recall my earliest days on radio, working first with the legendary radio pioneer, Guglielmo Marconi. I learnt many things from old Gugli, not least of which was how to swear at old ladies in Italian. Shortly after that, I was introduced to Henry Morse, who would later find fame with his Morse code and his extensive collection of flamboyant hats. It was, in fact, after an all-night drinking and arm-wrestling session with Henry in Shanghai that he gave me my big break: appearing with him on his ground-breaking ‘Dot dot dash dash show’, where, for eighty-three happy years, I played first dash to Henry’s dot. Of course, things were very different back then. I remember, for example, that there was only one microphone in the whole of the country. You really had to do it all yourself in those days!

It was in programmes like the ‘Dot dot dash dash show’ where I served my apprenticeship, as it was called then. And I worked with them all: Chaplin, Churchill, Gandhi, Disraeli. What a great bunch of lads! What a shame none of their zany radio comedy exists to this day. As it is, they shall be remembered only for their contributions to social progress and, in the case of dear Winnie, in helping defeat National Socialism during breaks in rehearsals.

And yet I digress. There are many people I wish to, nay, must mention. People without whose help up the greasy pole that is radio stardom I would not be sitting here now receiving this wonderful Radio Oskar. Of course, I must begin with my mother. A strong woman, my mother was the North Of England All-In Ladies Wrestling Champion from 1965 to 1982 and, if I don’t mention her now, she will kill me, but slowly, over nine three-minute periods, three falls or a submission. So, thank you, mother. Similarly, my father. I’ve never mentioned this before, but, when I was very young, father would often be sent home from school for secreting cherries in the biology teacher’s undergarments. Perhaps it was the stress of being the only Christian in a family of twenty-five Buddhists. But there was never any shame in father’s eyes. Never. And I learned something very important from that man.

Now, of course, no radio personality, certainly not one of my stature, would get very far without the help of a loyal, faithful, understanding partner. So here again thanks are due to my pet sheepdog Sandra who, as many of you know, has been my faithful companion for over forty-five years. I couldn’t have done it without you, Sandra.

As I look back, I see that, more than any other radio personality, I have, uniquely in this profession, worked with all the great public figures over the last hundred years, and quite a few bad ones, too. My professionalism bars me from naming names, but you know who you are, Andrew, George, Mary, Mishumi, MayFan, Bertrand, N’goumo, Big Chief Sitting Down and, of course, Adolf.

Radio, my friends, is a demanding business and even we media personalities must let off steam once in a while. But to call, as some ministers have done, for the temporary restoration of the death penalty just because of what I did in that night club seems somewhat of an over-reaction. However, I feel I should take this opportunity to apologise for any distress that either I or my actions may have caused.

So what of the future? Letters continue to pile up in all of my houses imploring, not to say begging, me …to retire. But I know it’s all meant in fun and, instead, I intend to go on and on. So, once again, thank you all awarding me the Oskar For The Best John Marshall On Polish Radio and here’s to the next hundred years.