International Men's Day

International Men’s Day

Copyright John Marshall 2008

First broadcast on Ex-Pat Radio, Radio Alfa, 2nd March 2008

I’d like to talk specifically to the men today, about male bonding. Well, let me be honest. Twentyfour hours ago, I didn’t actually expect to be sitting here now talking about male bonding. So why am I? Because, my Krakowian and world-wide internet brothers, I was ordered to write this at the last minute by Ania Becowska, my radical feminist hard-ass landlady. Not only that, but Ania knew very well that I had just finished teaching after a five beer, four-hour sleep hangover and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and die. And this is a perfect example of why we need more male bonding.

You know, we hear so much these days about women and how much of a problem life can be for them: it’s a patriarchal society; women can’t do this; they can’t do that. But what about men? Do you think, ladies, that life’s a bowl of cherries for us? Today, I want you all to stop and think for a moment about the plight of the poor modern male.

It’s been said before that the male is an endangered species. ‘What exactly is a man for’, the feminists cry? Show me something a man can do that a woman can’t do better! And, yes, even the one thing we do possess that women don’t is becoming rapidly redundant with advances in fertilization techniques and genetic engineering. Yes, guys, it seems even your wife’s best friend is suffering an identity crisis.

But should we be downhearted? Should we give in to the inevitable, put on our oven gloves and set our lives for Gas Mark 5? No! Resist, my brothers! Unite! Together we can fight this scourge of overreaching feminism, which threatens our very manhoods!

I hereby declare, here on Ex-Pat Radio, today, 2nd March to be Men’s Day. From this day forward, may this day be a beacon, a bastion, of hope for the tired, the hungry, the oppressed males of the world. Let us bond, brothers, in the hope of a better life: let us bond, through beer, through sport, and through a never-ening stream of muttered comments upon members of the opposite sex, asking such questions as ‘What do you think of her then?’ and dropping words such as ‘fit’ into conversations wherever possible.

As I say, women have it all and yet they still want more. Shopping, gossip, heated discussions about orgasms. Women have never had a problem bonding. We should learn from them, brothers. We should embrace the concept of bonding in the best and only ways we know how. Let the first Sunday of March, from this point forward, be proclaimed worldwide as Men’s Day. It shall henceforth be the duty of every man, on this day, to get together with his fellow man to drink vast quantities of beer, play or watch marathon soccer matches or cricket games and, at the end of it all, possibly even fight with each other before, declaring in hushed, reverent tones that ‘You’re my best mate. I love you, I do’, throwing our arms around each other and cracking open another tinny.

Should any woman foolishly choose to interfere with these new Men’s Days traditions, she shall forfeit the right to criticize both his driving and love-making skills for a period of not less than one month.

The very concept of the male, my brothers, has never looked so precarious. It is up to us now to bond together and fight rampant feminism with our tried and tested tools: alcohol, competitive sports and an insane interest in the female breast. It is a difficult challenge I place before you but, together, we will win through. Good luck, brothers!

What? Oh, ok, Right. I’ve just been handed a piece of paper. A late piece of breaking news. Apparently, strikes and mass demonstrations are being planned by women across the world following the shock announcement by lawyers that women don’t really have the vote after all. Lawyers working on behalf of the Coalition Of Incredibly Bigoted And Reactionary Sods have found that, whilst many enfranchisement laws go back nearly one hundred years now, they all, coincidentally, came into force on the same date, April 1st, thereby making them all ineffective. The emergency services are warning of major traffic delays during the demonstrations, although the number of accidents is predicted to be lower than usual, ‘cos you know what bad drivers women are.

Thank you. That was John Marshall’s alternative news. I shall now leave the studio and, quite rightly, get beaten up by several women.